You're stubborn and full of bull. And you are a bull. Coincidence? SOD can't say for sure. Money might be an issue for you this year, so please plan accordingly and send your donations to SOD early on. Without your donations, neither SOD nor PBS can fund such programs as "Intergalactic Swinging Antiques Roadshow," you know.

You're such a two-faced bastard… Hehehehe, not really. But you are up for a big promotion this year. The key to getting ahead in the job market is to dress well and blatantly flatter anyone in a supervisory role. It also helps to watch "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" so you can speak intelligently at the water cooler the next day.

You may find yourself with a great amount of dinero this year. This is because your aunt will leave you the Ron Jeremy Video Collection on Beta in her will. Merely stuff them in the back of the closet and sell them on Ebay once Jeremy finally succumbs to that heart attack it looks like he's having every time he shags on film.

You are a professional through and through. And as a matter of fact, you are incredibly dull. SOD suggests you go out, buy a nice pair of PVC pants, some nipple clamps, and just let go! Go cut a rug or trip the light fantastic. Whatever floats your inner child's boat is fair game for you this summer.

You are thinking about travel and are eager for new experiences and encounters. But the police may not feel the same way about your interest in farm animals. Loose the plastic horns and find a nice mate, preferably of the human species. If all else fails, contact Evan Torrie for some advice on proper sheep-shagging etiquette. Or better yet, move to New Zealand.

Romance will figure prominently in your life, so be sure to go for name brand birth control products. As a matter of fact, just stay at home with a magazine and there won't be any problems other than a few minor paper cuts and a small investment in a Water Massage shower head.

A change of residence may happen this year. But only after they sign the release papers can you focus on your true purpose - making macramé pot holders. Enjoy your freedom, be sure to take your medication, and if you play your cards right love may blossom in the skin care aisle.

You are very flexible, which makes you popular with everyone. Great opportunities are abound for you. But then again, if you don't go to the co-ed yoga classes instead of the Goddess Yoga, you'll never meet that dream lover. It is also advisable to try other hobbies, such as Nude Scrabble or Strip Chess if you want to meet someone special before the holiday rush.

Spending time with your family may seem important this summer… But then again, having a pitcher full of margaritas on the deck may seem a better use of your time, considering your family tree. Don't take it personally, Cappie, everyone has a close relative starring on C.O.P.S. at least once in their lives.

You are the water bearer, and this is the year to take care of that problem. Consult a doctor. Incontinence is not uncontrollable! New responsibilities could come your way, but assuming you consult a doctor, regularly changing your sheets shouldn't be one of them. Also, be sure to floss.

Many changes and surprises could be in store for you this year. However, you've got your head so far up your arse you wouldn't notice them anyway. The only way you're going to "unstick" your head would be to lube up by drinking copious amounts of Sloe Gin Fizzes and ask your best friend to give you a good tug. Only then will you see the light.