This is the year you finally get noticed by that one person you've been waiting for. However the restraining order won't be any good in Las Vegas, so there is a good chance you'll win his/her heart while shooting craps. Take time for yourself this year; remember not only is masturbating fun, but science has now proven it reduces blood pressure.

Aah, yes, Gemini. You really think that that so called "duality" of yours is a strength, but to the rest of us, you just can't make up your fackin' mind. You're a walking contradiction and basically screw up everyone you come into contact with. Stay home, cut out the lights out, and watch Jerry Springer. You might just wind up with a soul mate there. Just in case you find your chosen one, you may wake an extra effort and show them how much they mean to you...try staying awake during sex.


You are entering one of the happiest years of your life.  Maybe your mother-in-law will get hit by a truck, or even better, by MIR.  Use your imagination to its fullest potential this year, since it will run amuck like an ostrich with a rocket up it's ass.  For you single Cancerians, find yourselves expecting someone to ask you out.  Those already in relationships might expect to start enjoying them.  You will find happiness around the middle of the year, it could be that boy bands are finally made illegal.
Your hard work will pay off this year, and you will be rewarded with an increased workload because they think you are good, no pay rise though (cheapskates!!).  August 5th and December 24th are the best days for romance.  Better make that August day one hell of a shag, because you know your family will ruin Christmas, and four months is a long time to wait.  Take heart though, anyone that shares a sign with Harrison Ford can't be all that screwed up.

Just because you're king/queen of the jungle, doesn't mean you can roar and claw at everyone without consequence. This doesn't mean you can't speak your mind, but you'll get better results being nice than you will slapping people (unless they like it, of course). You love the sun, so bask in it like a true SOD, with grace and coolness, and martinis, lots of martinis. You'll cruise through 2001 with no problem!

Man are you egotistical! You are probably the only sign that honestly believes this is written especially for them! You are a member of the water sign, which means you generally have to pee more often at keg parties than the most of us. But don't despair, your talent for poking yourself with sharp wooden objects will get you that job you've wanted in Jim Rose's Sideshow by December.

You'll be in discussions with HBO for a special this year, but a feature on you on "Autopsy" for your "Fun with Forensics Home Kit" will not go over well with Grandma. Make sure your test subject is dead first next time. It is well known as a Libra that you are unbalanced, but small animals still like you anyways. Just stop trying to have relationships with them.

You are an opinionated smeghead. You are too intelligent for your own good and most people will just think you are a geek with a really big head. However, once someone really gets to know you, they are pleased (or not, whatever the case may be) that you are a complete nymphomaniac. You tend to hang on to the past, and for the next year you will be hung up on things from the 80's such as Huey Lewis and the News, "Where's the Beef" bumper stickers and parachute pants. Most people will find this extremely annoying, so expect to get slapped upside the head several times this year. Stay away from the color green (especially on Granparents Day), and your lucky numbers are: 231, 67.087, and 4.

You are a self-obsessed twit. You like to be in the spotlight but only if your pants fit properly and your butt doesn't look too big. You attract people with your wit and humor, but that only happens when you are drunk. Expect little to no excitement this year as you will be spending most of it on a starvation diet and on rehab or going to AA meetings.

2001 is going to be another banner year for you. This doesn't mean you can run around bragging about all of your successes like you usually do. Try contributing something other than your opinion this year; charities really don't care if you think that Celine Dion sucks. Be sure to invest money wisely, it's almost certain that Sea Monkeys farm will fall through.

You have a cute ass. And you know it, too. But pull yourself away from that mirror for a second, and move into a secondary arena of your life - snow cone testing. The FDA will be indebted to you no doubt, but please make sure the snow is not yellow or from New York this year. You will, as a result of your snow-testing activites, retain a lot of water.

This year will bring about great changes in your life. However, something smells fishy Pisces, and it may not be just you. Considering just how desperate you are, you most likely have picked up another date at the bus stop, and your date is in dire need of a bath. Coaxing will not work. But lunch vouchers will. Pay that extra fiver and your sheets won't need to be washed as often. Financially, you're just as facked up as ever, and considering you spend your lunch vouchers on dates from the bus stop, you might consider getting a side job as a urinal cake remover.