This section is devoted to assisting mere mortals in becoming as all around superfly as SOD and David Bowie.
Have you have ever been caught in a bad public situation, and not known what to do? Have you been stuck looking like a chump on more than one occasion? This section of SOD may very well save your life, or at the very least, help you find your way through the constant embarrassment and humiliation that comes along with being human.
Next time you are in a bad spot, keep a level head, take a deep breath, and ask yourself, "What would Bowie do?" The answers will fall like manna from heaven.
If you have a particular scenario in mind and would like to know the proper Bowie-esque thing to do, email us at sod@sisteurs.zzn.com. The answer will be posted here shortly thereafter.
ATTENTION SODDIES:
Please keep the WWBD emails coming loyal SODDIES, but please, from this point on... refrain from asking about Bowie going to the bathroom, Bowie falling down, Bowie breaking a hip, etc.
SOD thanks you.
Below are some examples of What Would Bowie Do (WWBD) to get you started thinking like a Homo- Superior.
Q: Say I'm Bowie and I'm walking down the street and I trip in front of a whole bunch of people... What do I do?
SODFAN in Mazatlan
A: Dear Mazzie-
This must certainly be a trick question! Firstly, as you dear readers all know, Bowie has catlike reflexes which prevent him from ever falling down, even on ice. Secondly, should a sudden shift in the time/space continuum happen and it causes Bowie to misstep, then SOD is fairly certain that instead of just standing around and watching, the masses of adoring mortals would throw themselves down first to break the fall of OurDavid.
This follows Newton's last law that argues before Sir Issac was crushed in a peanut butter factory mishap that is still scaring children in Briminmanshireton, Essex today: It is known as the "The Butter Up Law." In his theory, Newton argues that Bowie has a cat strapped to his back and buttered bread strapped to his front, thereby enabling him to defy the laws of nature and hover indefinitely above the floor. With this law, Newton proved that a cat always lands on its feet and buttered bread always lands butter up.
However SOD has yet to see Bowie ever wearing a piece of sourdough that would prove Newton right.
Q: I don't know if this is the right place to ask or not but I was wondering what would Bowie do if he stuck something in his mouth, and realised it was something he hated to eat. Like say he's at a big party with a lot of fancy people and all of the sudden, he pops what he thinks is a pig in a blanket in his mouth and it ends up being super-spicy horseradish stuffed shrimp puff? I was wondering coz when I go to parties I hardly ever know what I'm eating and if it tastes nasty, I want to be able to do the right thing.
Thanks!
Uncouth in Duluth
A: Dear Couthy-
You pose an excellent question for the holiday season, as many people run around Christmas parties eating weird stuff with names like "l'oilley du puupuu" all the time without knowing what it's made of.
SOD suggests that one always, and SOD means ALWAYS, keep whatever you put in your gob, in your gob. Understand that at nice parties, one shouldn't go around spitting food around like some sort of food processor. If you absolutely cannot stand what is in your mouth, very discreetly spit the yucky food into your cocktail napkin.
You see, if you are right and Bowie does hate horseradish, he wouldn't go all over the world spitting it out on people like Lou Reed would!
However, all bets are off when it comes to a keg party. You may spit whatever you like where ever you like.
Good luck.
Q: Last Christmas I bought my so-called friend a present, thinking she'd do the same. Well, I went and spent like $35 on her, and all I got was a hug and a "thank you" for my troubles. What would Bowie do if he bought someone a really expensive present, and they didn't get him jack in return?
Skint in Flint
A: Dear Skint-
Our David is a man of kindness and generosity. Being David Bowie means you inherently understand that no one is going to be as generally perfect and all around swell as you are. In a situation such as this, Bowie would simply forget it ever happened, go home, and count his piles of money.
SOD suspects that David is frequently giving gifts to people who don't buy him anything back. After all, what can you buy the man that LITERALLY has everything? A Nerf Bow and Arrow set? Not likely!
However, should you ever find yourself in one of those completely freaky situations where you clearly like your friends more than they do you, be sure act in the proper Bowie manner. Laugh it off, and try not to make your friends feel too awful. Who knows, maybe someday someone will ambush you with a gift you weren't expecting to have to reciprocate. Like for Arbor Day or something.
After all, you can always go out and buy yourself that Twister game whenever you want, but you can't buy friends. Well, you can buy friends, but they'll only hang out until the money is gone, then you're out a Twister game, all your money and probably your stereo and cd collection.
The only other solution is to make sure everyone in your social circle carries around a cool present at all times. For instance, Sisteur Rave-On carries around a "Scooby Doo and the Mystery Mansion Game" in her bag at all times, just in case of emergency. She hasn't been caught presentless since that Studio 54 Christmas fiasco back in '78. But that is another story. Suffice to say, it involved a "Welcome Back Kotter" lunchbox, and a bottle of Citron Stoli.
OTHER SCENARIOS...
Scenario #1: Bowie goes out in public and the paparazzi catches him with his zipper down.
WWBD?
Bowie would pull his shirttail through the zipper, tell Rolling Stone it's a social commentary on the state of music today, and thereby cause every man, woman, and child to walk around with their shirttails flapping in the breeze for the next six months. If asked about his zipper in later interviews, he'll pretend not to know what you mean. Ten years later, Marilyn Manson would start leaving his fly open and swear on MTV that he invented the idea all by himself.
Scenario #2: While at a party, Bowie suddenly finds out that he has a big piece of spinach in his teeth at just the moment he is approached by the Pope.
WWBD?
Bowie would never touch anything as revolting as spinach in the first place! And a Pope Party is no kind of party for Bowie to be attending. Hence, this whole scenario is a trick. Those of you who knew that, give yourselves a cookie.
Scenario #3: Lou Reed gives Bowie a knuckle sandwich in a trendy New York restaurant, right in front of God and everybody.
WWBD?
Bowie would leave immediately, and deny Lou Reed's existence for several years. Then, just when everyone believes that there never really was a Lou Reed, Bowie would pull him back from the depths of anonymity, save his flagging career for the second time, invite him to his Birthday Bash (thus forcing Lou to buy him a present, no less!) and look like a real swell chappy once again. A classy guy, that Bowie!
Scenario #4: Bowie does the '80s thing, and embarrasses himself with Never Let Me Down (among other things).
WWBD?
Bowie turns right around in the '90s and releases one of his best works ever, 1. Outside. He then tells the press that he was drinking during the '80s and doesn't remember any of it, so it must not have happened. After Earthling is released, fans began to actually think that the '80s might just have been a bad dream. It seems no one has a copy of Never Let Me Down to prove it was ever released.
If at this point you're starting to see the pattern, then you have mastered the art of WWBD.
DENY, DENY, DENY. If something you do in a public situation embarrasses you, leave the room immediately. If in the future someone approaches you and begins laughing at you, or pulling the old "remember that night when you tried to Riverdance with a lamp shade on your head?," simply look them dead in the eye and say, "I don't have the faintest clue what you are talking about. You must have me confused with somebody else." Then walk away. If you say it enough times with enough conviction, eventually people will believe you.
WWBD? Whatever it takes to be the coolest mo-fo on planet Earth.