Q. Why does David look so much better than Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, when they aren't much older than he is?

A. For the answer to this complicated question, the Sisteurs spent hours pouring over medical journals (and pouring more martinis). Based upon our research, we have come to the conclusion that the kind of drugs you do is directly proportional to your aging process. For example, Jagger and Richards were famous for taking acid. They would have hallucinations all over the place, and make faces because of the horrors they would have seen. Consequently, their faces became frozen in that manner. David, on the other hand, did more cocaine in one short period than most of the celebrities from Miami Vice did in an entire season. And you can clearly see how good Don Johnson looks now. Cocaine is not only a chemical, but it also makes for a wonderful preservative, much like the preservatives in Twinkies…and you've never had a stale one of those, have you? So, in essence, Bowie is one big walking Twinkie, and the Stones are simply a box of Raisinettes.

Q. What is the Laughing Gnome saga all about?

A. Well, gentle reader, there are two very different factions in the saga of the Laughing Gnome (otherwise known in France and certain parts of Canada as Le Gnome Qui Rit). One faction consists of the "Pro-Gnomers," a group of disillusioned individuals who think that the Laughing Gnome has a certain kitsch value and is cute in its sort of post-hippie sentimentality. This faction is so completely inane that they should be beaten around the head with a copy of the Los Angeles Area Yellow Pages until they bleed from their eyes. The second faction, also known as "The Ones Who Are Right," know Bowie was at some point in his life abducted by the people who invented Teletubbies and temporarily brainwashed. Thank God Bowie is a Homo-Superior and was able to shake off the effects of this torment. He has since regressed into Laughing Gnome flashbacks only a few times, most notably with "Shining Star (Making My Love)."

Q. Is it true that Bowie married Angela so she could have her English green card?

A. This is very true, and a fine example of what we Sisteurs would define as a VDQ.* If you carefully study Angela and research her behavior, you will immediately discover this woman was actually a general in Nazi Germany's SS Division. If she hadn't married such an overwhelming example of limeyhood, Angela would never have been able to infiltrate Great Britain and ascend to the rank of Chief Receptacle for Narcotics and Alcohol. She also would have never scaled the garden walls of stardom with such memorable hit singles as "Don't Forget I'm Mrs. David Bowie," "Alimony Ain't What It Used To Be," and the seminal cockney classic, "Who Spent All Me Dosh?"

Q. Will there ever be a sequel to Labyrinth? I am a fifteen-year-old fan and that is his greatest movie EVER!!!

A. My young friend, we are afraid we have some very BAD news for you. There will never be a sequel to Labyrinth. There are so many reasons for this turn of events that we can only be bothered to give you a few. Firstly, it was simply too damned hard to spell "Labyrinth." The Sisteurs do not believe anyone really knew how to spell the aforementioned. Secondly, gentle reader, it was quite daft. If you are over the age of twelve you should have already moved onto some of Bowie's more intellectually stimulating work, such as his premier comedy, "Just a Gigolo." Thirdly, Jennifer Connelly is grown and looks really wretched for only being in her twenties. And lastly, as we all know from Bowie's first chat, Tina Turner wanted her fright wig back.

Q. Can you give me some tips on what to do if I ever meet Mr. Bowie?

A. No, we can't. If we gave away all of our secrets, then you lot would be swarming all over Bowie as elegantly as we do. However, in the spirit of generosity, we will provide you with some tips on what NOT to do.

• We suggest you do not invade his personal space and ask him to play "Freebird" for that evening.
• If Iman is with him, do not mention how she and RuPaul dress EXACTLY alike.
• Do not say, " 'The Linguini Incident' is my favorite movie!" He will know you are lying.
• Do not ask him for money.
• Do not dye your hair red and shave off your eyebrows.
• Please refrain from touching him, as he freaks out completely.

Screaming won't help you. Being naked won't help you. To be honest, there really is nothing you can do that will make an impression on this man, so don't even bother.

Q. Bowie is such an entrepreneur in so many fields…so why has he failed to conquer the vibrator distribution market in the U.S.?

A. Bowie has attempted in the past to rev up interest in this field, and has had some minor conquests, but has never fully penetrated this area. His inability to push deeper into this market is a result of the fact that Alabama has prohibited the sale of vibrators, with the punishment resulting in a $10,000 fine and one year of hard labor. As our Bowie is a sensible man, and soon realized the damage hard labor could have on a manicure, he quickly pulled out…of the market.

Q. Why does Reeves always look mad?

A. (1) Because he has to put up with Bowie. (2) Robert Smith is much more funnier after midnight and has a better make-up job.

Q. Are Reeves and Uncle Fester related?