Conspiracy

CONSPIRACIES AND THE BOWIE CONNECTION

As you may have noticed of late, the Sisteurs have been overwhelmed with questions regarding one conspiracy or another. Were the hobos on the grassy knoll there to shoot Kennedy or simply have a picnic between choruses of "Jimmy Cracked Corn and I Don't Care?" Did General Mills know that by putting Red Dye #2 in the Crazy Cow cereal that not only would it cause milk to turn thick and chocolaty, but cause it would also cause cancer? And just who was behind the banishment of Sid and Marty Krofft shows from Saturday morning television? While being as omniscient as SOD can be without having Zeus as a father, the Sisteurs cannot possibly solve all the riddles of the universe. Firstly, because it would take away from precious time spent in the lab trying to re-create Crazy Cow cereal, and secondly because SOD does not currently have a Mystery Machine to run around in and solve stuff.

But there are some conspiracies that simply demand that one stop doing the Bossa Nova and start busting a Sherlock Holmes move. Let SOD introduce you to the one of the biggest conspiracies of the 21st century:


Big Conspiracy

THE GREAT BEEB CLUSTERFUCK

Please consider the following:

EXHIBIT A:
It was made abundantly clear that in order to get the bonus CD, one MUST pre-order. What this did was cause an early rush of people scrambling to order the CD online, sometimes paying up to $329.00 in shipping! SOD understands that now any Tom, Dick or Harry can just waltz into a Sam Goody and buy one of these without hindrance, despite the initial "pre-sale only" hype. So why the fack did the fans pay all that shipping? Maybe EMI has some special agreement with Postal Services throughout the world and by forcing people to purchase online, EMI got a kickback from Uncle Sam? It's possible, gentle reader, it's possible.

EXHIBIT B:
"When the error is fixed, how many fans will run out and buy it again?" you may ask. SOD has done extensive studies on the number of fans who purchase the same Bowie things over and over again. The Sisteurs call this phenomenon Anal Bowie Fans Absurdly Buying, or A.B.F.A.B. for short. The statistics show that over 97% of Bowie fans would re-purchase the Beeb CD's just to have both copies and keep their collection complete. To have goofed on purpose can only mean that EMI has privy to the same information and used it for dastardly gain.

EXHIBIT C:
If the Beeb is ever put into vinyl with BOTH tracks on it, A.B.F.A.B.'s will be forced to buy that as well. You see, gentle reader, the A.B.F.A.B also has at least three turntables for listening pleasure. One is for the last so-called "limited edition" gold rush, the clear vinyl numbered pressings of the Ryko catalogue. The second turntable is for standard "limited edition" Bowie albums and the third turntable is for all first pressings (this turntable usually features the titanium needle and the anti-static cover).

EXHIBIT D:
To say something is limited means that it will not go in for a whole infinity. So if EMI only releases one billion Beeb CD's, then it's enough for approximately all of China. Hence, it is limited and while it may seem like an infinity, it does have an end to it. The *REALLY* strange thing is, SOD cannot find a single human that has laid eyes on the TWO CD set... Maybe EMI goofed again and meant that the two CD set was limited edition and NOT the three CD set. Being a crafty record lable, it could have all been a ruse to trick the fans and Bowie...

May SOD also remind you of the "limited edition" hologramic "Hours..." cover. Just last week, Sisteur Rave-On found over 768 of them at an HMV warehouse in Cincinnati! LIMTED EDITION SOD'S EYE!

And did you ever notice that EMI spelled backwards is I'm E? Who is "E?" Evan Torrie perhaps? Einstein (as a side point if you follow the "I" before "E" rules, then Einstein got it wrong TWICE)? Elsa Lanchester is out because she's dead. The Sisteurs cannot possibly get to the bottom of this without first knowing who this mysterious "E" is.

At this point, there is enough convincing evidence of a conspiracy there to put away half of the recording industry! (Which in and of itself ain't such a bad thing!) I mean if the CIA tried these sorts of tactics, Cuba would be "Puerto Rico II" by now! The only explanation, other than EMI is full of people who can't promote their way out of wet paper bags, is that perhaps the RIAA is involved somehow... If they were mad enough at Our David for his support of Napster and freedom in general, then perhaps they are looking for a way to make Sailor look bad.

When you think about it, the Mob has killed people for less than that. Hey, maybe the mob is involved! Maybe while Sailor was fighting for our freedom to listen to any kind of bad music for free, he angered the Mob and they put a contract out on his Beeb CD's as a retaliation...

You know, SOD could go on with this all the live long day, however today is pedicure and Manolo Blahnik shopping day, so SOD is forced leave you to figure out the conspiracy on your own. Besides, every so often it's good to get out of Bnut chat, go outside to smell the flowers and think for yourself!

If you have any information that can help solve the Great Beeb Clusterfuck, email the Sisteurs today. Be a super-sleuth; help SOD get to the bottom of this travesty and help rid society of business practices that make big business tons of money!

SOD thanks you for your time.